My life has been an extraordinary experience. Before yoga there were many unique events and realizations that were not fully appreciated because I simply lacked faith in myself. If there is no faith you doubt your own judgment and can be easily influenced by your own mind which floods you with thoughts of failure, doubt, conflict and confusion based on what you think other people expect of you. Of course there has always been that desire to trust myself and my intuition but for most of my life the mind dominated and inhibited the pure desire for the self.
Then I came into contact with yoga and shortly afterward my guru. Over the years I have practiced my sadhana (yoga practice) sometimes with intensity and sometimes not at all. The relationship with guru has remained constant throughout although to others my behaviour may not have seemed correct or aligned with the teachings and principles of guru. All I can say is that the external guru makes you aware of the inner guru. Although I have many memories and moments of interaction with my guru the truth is that he was mostly inaccessible physically and preferred to be alone. Whenever he interacted with us, one of us it was a fleeting moment of incredible depth and intimacy. Each one of those moments continues to transform my ego personality.
Once in the ashram I was burned very badly due to my own foolishness while tending the kitchen fire. The moment it happened I was enveloped in a calm tranquil bubble and from within I heard the command I am aware and you will be alright. Within minutes a swami had been sent by my guru with the doctor to the kitchen even though no one had been sent to inform the office. The days that followed were transcendental and magical. I wrote my most intimate song and spent several days completely intoxicated in a state of mind that I can only describe as saturated in awe and love for everything. It was a very private experience which I did not share with anyone but it was obvious that I was not my normal self. There was two or three occasions when I had eye contact with my Guru and he simply bowed in prayer and acknowledgement to me which confirmed that he knew.
Poem: the poem below describes the experience and how everything had changed for me internally.
When I sit to eat
It is his body I am feeding
When I work
It is both he and I working together
My laughter is his
When together we see his diving play at work
Everything I do see feel and experience is His
Everything has changed
Empty thy cup so that it may be filled
It is said we must empty ourselves but how?
The cup is full of ego!
If the cup is full how can we empty it
Talk to God feel God and listen to his thoughts
The more God is inside of me the more the cup overflows
Thy cup is full with ego but as I fill it up with God
The ego overflows
I may sometimes appear a fool but no matter
Every drop of ego spilt is a chance to remember Him
Everything has changed